Teenage Thoughts
I lie in bed at night hugging my pink bunny rabbit pillow (aka Fluffy. Shut up. Don't even start.) and ask myself unanswerable questions. What is my purpose? Why am I here? What am I destined to do with my life? Do I even believe in destiny? Do we determine our own fate? Or is it pre-determined? Does God really have a plan for each of us? Is it set in stone that it will definitely happen? Or is it a conjecture, a hope? What if I screw it up? What if the star I decide to chase is the wrong one? I won't know I'm at a dead end until I wack my face on a wall. Am I meant to be a teacher? A writer? An actor? Or something else entirely? IF I'm meant to be a writer, why haven't I written anything decent lately? If I'm meant to be an actor, how come I can't get a good part? If I'm meant to be a teacher why doesn't the thought of teaching excite me? If it's something else, WHAT IS IT? When will I know? How will I know it's the right thing? What am I doing in Viet Nam? Does traveling so far at 16 mean I'm going to spend my life travelling? Do I want to live a million different places? Or do I want to put down roots? What is my purpose in this life?
I guess it all comes down to time. There's never enough and yet there always seems to be too much. Not enough yet too much in Viet Nam, not enough yet too much in high school...not enough time on earth...and yet too much. Currently I'm most worried about my time running out in VN. I have a crush, and I can't fgiure out if he likes me back. I don't have time to sit around and wait. I have to act NOW. No day but today. On the flip side, it seems like forever until I'll get to hug my mom again..eat a cheeseburger not made of water buffalo...haha, kidding. I miss so much..yet I know that I'll miss here once I leave. I don't know if I've made enough of an impression to be remembered. Especially in a school where people are constantly coming and going. Six months isn't enough! And yet..hah, it's much too long.
I close with a quote from the brilliant Jonathan Larson's tick, tick...BOOM. Listen to the song Louder than Words. It's great.
"Why do we play with fire?
Why do we run our finger through the flame?
Why do we leave our hand on the stove
Although we know we're in for some pain
Oh why, do we refuse to hang a light
When the streets are dangerous
Why does it take an accident
Before the truth gets through to us?
Cages or wings,
Which do you prefer?
Ask the birds!
Fear or love baby
Don't say the answer
Actions speak louder then words
.....
What does it take?
To wake up a generation?
How do you make someone take off and fly?
If we don't wake up
And shake up the nation
We'll leave the dust of the world
Wondering why?"
posted by Hillary @ 10:40 PM
4 Comments:
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. All of your Qs are the very ones we begin asking ourselves at just your stage in life. Some answers come quickly, some remain elusive for longer than you would like. You will know, my love. You will know.
You are right where you need to be...in EVERY sense of the statement.
Again, thanks for sharing. Your openness will bring relief to those reading and going through the same process.
It is good to know we are not alone in our thinking sometimes.
Have I told you lately that I love you?!
I'm so honored to be part of your 'process.'
Dear Hillary,
My name is chelsea. I like your teenth thought it was fun. Do you
like the bunny that your mom and dad gave you? Your mom is my teacher. she is so fun.
Hey, pretty; I'm so sorry I haven't been checking this much lately. New internet provider, I've been sick, too much schoolwork, you know. But enough excuses.
Wow, you have no idea how much I've been feeling like this lately. It's really frustrating. And we have scheduling right now, so they're all up in our faces about how we should pick classes that are related to what we want to be when we grow up... AHH! I don't want to grow up!! Haha... and my birthday's on Thursday. ;] If you happen to want to run over to America for three hours, I'm having a party on Saturday, 7 to 10. <3
I miss you so much! <333
And don't worry; you can be anything you want to be. And you definitely don't have to decide what it is right now. There's a song by Baz Luhrmann and Quindon Tarver (they didn't write it, but they put a beat to it. anyway...) that I absolutely love. It's called "Everybody's Free: To Wear Sunscreen." And, in it are some of my favorite quotes, including:
"Don’t worry about the future;
Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum."
"Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…
The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives.
Some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t."
"Maybe you’ll marry;
Maybe you won’t;
Maybe you’ll have children;
Maybe you won’t;
Maybe you’ll divorce at 40;
Maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…
What ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either –
Your choices are half chance, and so are everybody else’s."
I love you, dolly.
~Caroline
hellooooo gorgeous!
as im sure your mother has told you we now have blackie at our house. he has undergone many new and amazing experiences. a name change. Noche.. meaning night. which i think is poetic and wonderful. hehe. aaand we also let him run and play and we feed him table food. its amazing. haha i read your blog everyday and i never have time to answer. when i get online im doing research and its IMPOSSIBLE to have time for anything these days. blehk. haha. i just finished my show and it was wonderful. you would have loved it! but anywho. i have 5 minutes now so i'm writing to you. you seem to have so many new and wonderful friends and you are turning into such a wise and extraordinary young woman as i read each new blog entry. you learn something new everyday it seems and through reading this i am too. i miss you so much and i CANT WAIT to see you!
i love you!!
your favorite cous,
~syd.<3
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